schizophrenic-schizo effective type-borderline personality…
By: Mag Liadal
Edited by : Jacklynne Usselman
The Actual Schizophrenic Mind
When thinking of a schizophrenic person, what comes to mind? Perhaps they have lost their sight on reality. That with medication they would be able to function in the everyday world. That is a response my mother once got from a psychologist, who was also a specialist in schizophrenia. Thinking about what this woman said makes sense to a person who really wouldn’t know, right?
Well, I have schizo – effective disorder, as well as, borderline personalty disorder, social anxiety, identity crisis, and depression. When I talked to this specialist she asked me these targeted questions. “Do you ever have a urge to harm a animal?” “Have you ever wanted to harm a person?” I sat there and stared at her for awhile trying to comprehend where she was going with these questions. Then it hit me like a sack of rocks, she thought I was or was going to be a danger to society.
My response was, “No, animals are more compassionate than human beings. A animal loves you no matter your stature, sexuality, or sanity. Therefore, I would never take it upon myself to harm a animal.” Then I looked her dead in the eyes and said, “Humans on another note harm each other for no apparent reason. With either words, physically, and/or mentally. So to say I have never harmed or thought of harming a person I would be lying. Also, to say that isn’t a natural response from even a person without my condition would be a lie as well.”
She was shocked. She had nothing to say. After a moment of silence I asked her sternly, “Anyway, where were you going with those question’s in the first place?”
I was appalled when she gave me a snug smile with her response, “Well with your disorders, it is common for a person like yourself to have a murderous tendency. Such as being a serial killer.” At that point I wanted to just get up and walk out, but I remained seated. That was the most stereo typical response that an average person could even give.
I sat calmly in the room as she continued to ask me even more questions. Ludicrous, but standard for any psychologist to ask. You can probably see now, why most people whom have a psychological problem don’t really like psychologists all to much.
Here’s the truth on schizophrenia from a person who has all forms of it. Some psychologists are correct on some aspects of the disorder. But, not many really know what they are talking about.
From personal experience, hallucination is a common factor. When I’m angry enough, instead of blacking out – losing sight, I literally see red. Red as if there is blood everywhere. I can picture people like they are in front of me. Not, actual people though cause you can barely see them as a whole. Their faces are dark and not easy to read.
While hallucinating, you become paranoid and nervous. You feel as if people are out to get you. Just someone brushing up against you can trigger several emotions at once. Anger, sadness, fear and loneliness. You either become violent or cower away.
Now that you are paranoid and extremely emotional, the hallucinations get worse. Instead of being able to see the hologram – looking people, you start hearing voices attacking you. Not just attacking you, but making your head feel like it’s going to burst. Mind you, you aren’t only hearing noises around you, but inside your head as well.
That’s one reason why people stereotype a schizophrenic as someone who can be a danger to others. But not all schizophrenic people turn out to be dangerous. It can be controlled with or without medication. Now, I’m not saying that every person with this condition can control their feelings or their hallucinations without medication, but some have learned to deal with it in their own special way.
Some self medicate themselves with drugs that are not prescribed, causing them to only get worse. I self medicated myself with marijuana for maybe four years before it turned horribly wrong. First, a close friend of mine died tragically by suicide. I became heavier of a marijuana user, about a ounce and a half a day. That tragic loss of my friend triggered my next step into schizophrenia and the heavy use of marijuana could have easily led to me being more angry and violent.
Four months after my friend passed, I physically attacked my mother and the police had to be called. I honestly don’t remember what happened that night or even what triggered my outburst. All I remember is hearing is my mother scream at the top of her lungs, “Please don’t hurt my baby,” then someone talking to me, asking what happened.
Come to find out, the police were going to send me to a juvenile jail, until a mysterious cop came out of no where. He kept me from going to a place that wouldn’t have actually helped me.
Moral of the story, drugs enhance schizophrenic rages and violence.
Medication can help, but sometimes the effects wear after sousing them for so long. For example, doctors first try you on several different types of medication to find the most effective one, making you feel like an experiment. It’s common for most schizophrenic people to stop using their medication when they feel this way. As I said before, not all schizophrenic people need medication since they found a way to control it on their own. I on the other hand, use my medication when I feel it to be most necessary. Which, in my opinion, is a responsible way of not needing it all the time. Those who say they don’t need medication at all are lying.
This is the actual thought process of an actual schizophrenic person. Now be your own judge on how a person of my condition really is. Don’t always believe what you see or hear about schizophrenia, unless you actually have to live with it. Because a schizophrenic person is only human, just as you are